None of us are exempt from feeling lonely of course but when you’re writing a blog, it’s assumed that you have some interesting experience to back your story with, so I'll use that card.
Here's how I deal:
1. Listen to Gogol Bordello. Or whoever fits your mood. I’ve come to believe that loneliness is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The reason I’ve been feeling lonely lately is because I see this as a necessary element to living abroad. There’s my host family, there’s a whole neighborhood of friendly people and adorable kids and there are the people at my school. They’re all great but lately that’s just not been doing it for me. So this is where Eugene Hütz, my future husband, comes into play. His gypsy punk band reminds me to embrace the positive elements of living away from my previously-known sources of comfort. “And as we’re crossing border after border/ We realize the difference is none/…And if you want it you always have to make your own fun.” So, if you can’t beat it, embrace it and see if being alone with yourself is actually what you need at that particular moment.
2. Lists. If you’re not into hanging out, if it’s raining and school’s out again because of testing and your family is watching TV, then you can at least be productive with your alone time. Actually, this really serves as a step to returning to the social fold. We have a few days off from school because of the Chinese New Year and mid-semester tests but when I return, I hope to wow my counterpart with a long list of new book donors we can appeal to. For me at least, sometimes loneliness perches on a fine line, the other side of which is self-absorption. I enjoy my alone time immensely but not if I'm just dawdling in my own personal projects all day.
3. Listen. Get to a quiet place, preferably high up, preferably while there’s a nice-sounding afternoon rain, and pull Gogol Bordello out of your ears (this is a step-by-step process, if you will). Or you can do this in the angkot with six other people staring at you or at school in the teacher’s lounge. Clear your mind of all those self-pitying thoughts of being alone in a crowd and tune in to what’s actually going on around you. This is a hard one, because you may realize that you’re not ready to tune into what other people are doing just yet, that you’d rather spend more time with yourself. But when you are ready, I've found that it's best not to expend too much energy trying to be suddenly involved in everyone's lives again. Just be there, wherever there is, no matter what the situation might be, and resist all attempts to turn the focus to you. Turn it outwards at every chance you get and then you’ll start to feel calmer.
*Disclaimer: In Indonesia it is sometimes difficult turning the attention away from oneself, and that’s been exactly the reason I’ve been stressed out lately. I want, no I need some space where I can be myself and not feel like this is a performance. It’s hard to describe, but if you’ve ever been somewhere where you were physically set apart from everyone around you and in that culture people’s attention was naturally turned outward instead of inward, then you know of what I speak.
Here's how I deal:
1. Listen to Gogol Bordello. Or whoever fits your mood. I’ve come to believe that loneliness is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The reason I’ve been feeling lonely lately is because I see this as a necessary element to living abroad. There’s my host family, there’s a whole neighborhood of friendly people and adorable kids and there are the people at my school. They’re all great but lately that’s just not been doing it for me. So this is where Eugene Hütz, my future husband, comes into play. His gypsy punk band reminds me to embrace the positive elements of living away from my previously-known sources of comfort. “And as we’re crossing border after border/ We realize the difference is none/…And if you want it you always have to make your own fun.” So, if you can’t beat it, embrace it and see if being alone with yourself is actually what you need at that particular moment.
2. Lists. If you’re not into hanging out, if it’s raining and school’s out again because of testing and your family is watching TV, then you can at least be productive with your alone time. Actually, this really serves as a step to returning to the social fold. We have a few days off from school because of the Chinese New Year and mid-semester tests but when I return, I hope to wow my counterpart with a long list of new book donors we can appeal to. For me at least, sometimes loneliness perches on a fine line, the other side of which is self-absorption. I enjoy my alone time immensely but not if I'm just dawdling in my own personal projects all day.
3. Listen. Get to a quiet place, preferably high up, preferably while there’s a nice-sounding afternoon rain, and pull Gogol Bordello out of your ears (this is a step-by-step process, if you will). Or you can do this in the angkot with six other people staring at you or at school in the teacher’s lounge. Clear your mind of all those self-pitying thoughts of being alone in a crowd and tune in to what’s actually going on around you. This is a hard one, because you may realize that you’re not ready to tune into what other people are doing just yet, that you’d rather spend more time with yourself. But when you are ready, I've found that it's best not to expend too much energy trying to be suddenly involved in everyone's lives again. Just be there, wherever there is, no matter what the situation might be, and resist all attempts to turn the focus to you. Turn it outwards at every chance you get and then you’ll start to feel calmer.
*Disclaimer: In Indonesia it is sometimes difficult turning the attention away from oneself, and that’s been exactly the reason I’ve been stressed out lately. I want, no I need some space where I can be myself and not feel like this is a performance. It’s hard to describe, but if you’ve ever been somewhere where you were physically set apart from everyone around you and in that culture people’s attention was naturally turned outward instead of inward, then you know of what I speak.
After going through these steps you may find that other people’s interest in you isn’t quite as exaggerated as you thought. It also doesn’t make you a selfish person if you need to go away on a self-vacation for a while. Self-examination is essential to finding some kind of purpose. And actually, purpose is what I feel I’ve lost sight of the most lately. Purpose and, subsequently, faith. No, not in the religious sense. Since I’ve been absorbed with my feelings of being a lone wolf lately, I’ve felt that I wasn’t being a good teacher or a good human or a good ambassador. And that sense of failure led to a distrust in my own instincts to take some alone time to work it out. I was too guilty to say no to social engagements but too annoyed in everyone's pressence to be very good company. For several weeks now I haven’t been able to properly communicate the source of my angst. I might be missing some details but this writing session restores some of my faith in my instincts and in the community of people here.
Every journal entry or blog post I’ve attempted to write lately have all started with some generalization about Indonesia, for instance, “Indonesia’s a hard place to call home” or “No one ever seems to ask me something that’s not based on a gross stereotype about my whiteness.” All of them were me trying to pin the blame of my anxiety on something other than me. My counterpart and friends saw through this deflection immediately and said, “I think it’s something internal that’s bothering you.” As usual, they were right. So, here’s to friends and self-respect.
What an honest and open person you are. I do not hear you giving yourself credit for the gifts you bring to young students. They may not even understand such gifts as "different" and "special." Even in the United States, students may not appreciate learning to think outside of the box until much, much later. Yet I still hear from your grandmother's students a half century later. They say, "She taught me how to think." Of course she did that by example. Just as you are doing.
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<3 -dena
ReplyDeleteThanks Aunt E. I'm glad I learned more about Rhoda's life before coming here. It's certainly on my mind some days, thinking about how to inspire the kids.
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